If you’ve noticed a lull in my posting schedule, let me provide you with some context. I can sum it up in two little words.
We spent what felt like two full weeks in the car. An exorbitant amount of time together in a small steel vehicle, filling up on carb-y snacks, taking in the sight of too many cattle fields, and trying not to die from boredom.
Actually, the kids did really great. No imaginary line was drawn down the center of the back seat to demarcate territory, so I consider that a win. For all the time that they were buckled in, they only watched two movies, tops. The rest of the time was spent reading books, coloring, or listening to the radio.
I’ve heard enough Bruno Mars to last me a lifetime.
During one of these trips, while the kids were preoccupied, Jon and I listened to The Bob and Tom Show, a morning show that airs from his old hometown of Indianapolis. These guys are pretty funny. It’s where I first heard Hewyood Banks sing “Toast” and almost did a spit take with my coffee from a hearty case of the chuckles.
This time around, the guys discussed fake curse words. You know, the ones you might have heard your great-great-grandpa say. Or what you might holler out when you drop a hammer on your foot as your preschooler’s precious, pure ears are mere inches away from your screeching.
DAGNABBIT! (or for those that like a nice hard “C” sound in their cussing: CRAGNABBIT!)
Or JUDAS PRIEST!!
Bob and Tom had some pretty fantastic ones on their list.
Oldies like “What in Sam Hill?” Or “Sufferin’ Succotash!” spit out in your best Sylvester lisp.
Or the incoherent ruminating of a tiny cartoon character in desperate need of anger management named Yosemite Sam:
When I first started working at the library, a co-worker yelled out something that made me stare at him in confusion and wonder. He got all frustrated and suddenly blurted CHEESE AND RICE!
I honestly had never heard that before. It immediately became my go-to faux explicative.
One of the guys on Bob and Tom mentioned that a friend used to say “Got down! Sat on a bench!” which got a nice laugh. And then, this beauty came in:
“Got dandruff, some of it itches!” – #FakeCurseWords
— Bob and Tom (@bobandtom) March 27, 2013
Try it for yourself. Put some inflection in it!
Got DANDRUFF! Some of it itches!
It satisfies all the hard sounds my tongue and teeth need to feel vented, but it’s benign enough that I can bellow it out around my kids and they’ll just think I’m weird.
Though, I guess it also alerts folks to an ailment that I don’t have yet. Dry, itchy scalp.
Got dandruff! Now another problem to solve!
What’s your favorite Fake Curse Word? Feel free to sound off in the comments!