Sweet Cheeses! and other fake curse words…

fake curse words

If you’ve noticed a lull in my posting schedule, let me provide you with some context.  I can sum it up in two little words.

Spring.  Break.

We spent what felt like two full weeks in the car.  An exorbitant amount of time together in a small steel vehicle, filling up on carb-y snacks, taking in the sight of too many cattle fields, and trying not to die from boredom.

Actually, the kids did really great.  No imaginary line was drawn down the center of the back seat to demarcate territory, so I consider that a win.  For all the time that they were buckled in, they only watched two movies, tops.  The rest of the time was spent reading books, coloring, or listening to the radio.

I’ve heard enough Bruno Mars to last me a lifetime.

During one of these trips, while the kids were preoccupied, Jon and I listened to The Bob and Tom Show, a morning show that airs from his old hometown of Indianapolis.  These guys are pretty funny.  It’s where I first heard Hewyood Banks sing “Toast” and almost did a spit take with my coffee from a hearty case of the chuckles.

This time around, the guys discussed fake curse words.  You know, the ones you might have heard your great-great-grandpa say.  Or what you might holler out when you drop a hammer on your foot as your preschooler’s precious, pure ears are mere inches away from your screeching.

DAGNABBIT!  (or for those that like a nice hard “C” sound in their cussing:  CRAGNABBIT!)


Bob and Tom had some pretty fantastic ones on their list.

Oldies like “What in Sam Hill?”  Or “Sufferin’ Succotash!” spit out in your best Sylvester lisp.

Or the incoherent ruminating of a tiny cartoon character in desperate need of anger management named Yosemite Sam:

Now, let me state that I have often tried curbing my penchant for sailor’s language with these alternatives.  Unfortunately, I’d say my success rate is about 30%.  My brain just gets co-depenent on those tried-and-true swears.

When I first started working at the library, a co-worker yelled out something that made me stare at him in confusion and wonder.  He got all frustrated and suddenly blurted CHEESE AND RICE!

I honestly had never heard that before. It immediately became my go-to faux explicative.

Until now.

One of the guys on Bob and Tom mentioned that a friend used to say “Got down! Sat on a bench!” which got a nice laugh.  And then, this beauty came in:


That is golden, people.  My poor husband had to hear me mutter this for days afterward, I was just that in love with it.

Try it for yourself.  Put some inflection in it!

Got DANDRUFF!  Some of it itches! 

It satisfies all the hard sounds my tongue and teeth need to feel vented, but it’s benign enough that I can bellow it out around my kids and they’ll just think I’m weird.

Though, I guess it also alerts folks to an ailment that I don’t have yet.  Dry, itchy scalp.

Got dandruff! Now another problem to solve!

What’s your favorite Fake Curse Word? Feel free to sound off in the comments!



  1. I can’t think of any right now, but I like the idea of fake swearing!
    Momfever recently posted…Evolution of a runnerMy Profile

  2. I too have drawn a blank on some other famous fake curse words. Thank you for sharing, I have a toddler who is repeating every word we say. Including calling the dog a dumb dumb like mommy said.
    Christy Garrett recently posted…Give Your Car Some TLC with These Great Cleaning TipsMy Profile

  3. I don’t really have any to share on fake curse words as we don’t use any regular ones .
    Dominique Goh recently posted…Kaya Toast and Fried Rice on a FridayMy Profile

  4. Curse words have definitely come a long way, haven’t they? Sweet cheeses! That just made my day 🙂

  5. Omg, this post had me cracking up! My husband now thinks I’m crazy! My go-to fake curse word is “Freakin’ A!” I have no idea why. My friend’s is “Jiminy Crickets!” I’m totally gonna have to use the “got dandruff”! Especially in front of my husband…just to see the look on his face. Thanks!!
    April – My Bizarre Family recently posted…If I Had A Million DollarsMy Profile

  6. cheese and cracker, and oh pickles! THANKS HIGGLY TOWN HEROS =}
    Pam R recently posted…**HOT GIVEAWAY** Coach $350 GC Ends May 1My Profile

    • Pickles! I forgot that one. The words really work when they have some hard sounds in them like K’s and P’s and D’s.

  7. Oh, this is funny. I’m drawing a blank right now….hmmm, how about “sucks eggs”. Or you can always bring up Robin’s famous line of “Holy__(insert whatever you want)________Batman!”.
    Courtney~Mommy LaDy Club recently posted…How to Etsy for SpringMy Profile

    • Sucks eggs, that’s a good and gross one. I actually used the Got Dandruff one today with my kids. As an honest curse. And they just looked at me with the same shocked look they get when I accidentally curse. So, guess I just need to keep my mouth shut.

  8. I’m lol at the got dandruff one. That is rich! My daughter picked up “Jesus!” from my husband and when he caught her (not that he cares, but I do!) she said she had said “Cheesies”. Kid never missed a beat. I think she was five. Oy

    • Oooooh, she’s a sneaky one. I’ve caught my kids say Dammit before under their breath, and I always feel so guilty when they do.


  1. […] keep things fairly clean around my kids, though I’m sure they’ve heard me mutter “shit!” when I’ve broken […]